time and space jerk squad
by finmagik
Summary: "You are here because you all slighted me in minor ways. I doubt none of you can remember. But I am the Master. And I'm bored. So I kidnapped you from your respective times and places. And I'm going to have to fight in the arena, possibly to the death..."


Time and space bastard squad.

The three men woke up in a arena, they'd been drugged or hit over the head. One of them rather liked the drugs which hadn't entirely worn off. It was big arena with a dark brown dirt floor and high walls. One was tall, thin, dark and pale and wore a suit. The other was shorter, and a mop of unkempt brown hair a round Irish face and dressed all in black. The last was in a light colored suit had brown receding hair and face that was long and sort of handsome if you liked weasels.

"What the ever loving fuck!" said the first man his voice Plummy British and posh.

"Exactly!" said the second, Irish.

"I knew was planning an escape, but this is not what I told them to do," The third, he was American and gravelly.

"AHEM!" came a voice from a speaker above it was British but middle class and more cheerful then it had any right to be. "You are here because you all slighted me in minor ways. I doubt none of you can remember. But I am the Master. And I'm bored. So I kidnapped you from your respective times and places. And I'm going to have to fight in the arena, possibly to the death, over a bottle of Scotch."

"To the death? Do we get any weapons?" Asked the Irishman.

"Where is this Scotch?" Asked Englishman.

"I will NOT fight to the DEATH! I WILL ESCAPE and IT will THE BE GREATEST YET!" Declared the American.

The Master laughed over the intercomm. "My rival the Doctor talks about how great humans are. If he spent more then a hour with any one of you. He'd give up. I've met men who've made skin suits out their mums and they are nicer then you. I said your crimes were small and I was petty. So here goes. Sheridan St. James Withnail."

The first man looked up. "Yes?"

"You stole my cocktail. I'd hypnotized the barkeep into making me the perfect martini, left for minute to deal with a slight problem with my partners in taking over the earth - gigantic alien leeches- and when I came back you were drinking it, bastard! I needed that drink to calm me down, the leeches didn't listen and the plan fell apart all because you drank my martini!"

"So I saved the world?" Withnail said. "I think I should have a medal and be knighted."

"Shut up! Anyways moving on, Bernard Black!" The Master bellowed.

"What?" Bernard said irritably he was looking for rock, thinking about how to beat the other two death and get that Scotch, anything bigger then a pebble would do, being sober made his skull itch inside.

"I sold you a book by mistake. It contained a formula on a loose note, that I could use to make all the plants on earth produce hallucinogenic pollen. It would drive all humans insane, and then I could direct their insanity to make me king of earth. However, I need the money so I sold you the book by mistake. When I went to get it back. You told me: "piss off beardy" and your assistant said it had been sold. The description man who bought it was the bloody DOCTOR!" Said the Master.

"So I saved the world too? Fuck, I hate the world, going mad would be fun." said Bernard.

"How did I save the world?" asked Gob eagerly.

"You didn't," Said the Master. "After that, I decided I needed a treat. Your family sells the universe's best frozen bananas. It's even in the guide. So I went there. You ran my foot with your segway twice. Budged me in the queue at the banana stand and then when got there the clerk told me they were sold out, you are just an asshole."

"Oh," Gob slumped disappointed.

"Where are the bloody weapons?" asked Bernard.

"Just like the Irish to want a fight and a drink," sneered Withnail.

"My lovely companions the Zheng twins will hand them out. You know they are 54th century serial killers and as I said, they make my skin crawl a good deal less then you do." said the Master.

Meanwhile...

"Oh! Oh!" The Doctor shouted and jumped about like there was something up ass.

River looked at him. "What?" She was trying to think if she'd remembered to remove the dildo from their last session. "You don't have anything up..."

"No! Not this time! River, something really awful is about to happen that is going rip time and space open like ... like someone opening a packet crisps really violently." The Doctor said. "We have to stop it!"

"So we're canceling the threesome with Harriet Wilson, then?" River said.

"Yes," And the Doctor fiddled with the controls.

The Zheng twins were male and female, and both in matching suits. They looked far better then anyone that mentally unbalanced had a right too. Which was due to genetic engineering of course. They handed out a Mace, a Sword and a Spear, they also had a something that looked a bit like a feather duster and a whip but no one choose those. Bernard had the Mace he was good with blunt objects and hitting people that weren't Fran, it would go easy if he just imagined the other two men were Manny, also being sober this long was making him angry. And it was spiky.

Withnail took the sword, he misremembered being good at fencing, although this was broadsword and much heavier then he was expecting. Well, he wanted that Scotch, his hands were starting to shake, and he was seeing things out of the corner of his eye again.

Gob chose the spear the other two weapons seemed gay.

"A feather duster, come on!" Gob said.

Mia Zheng narrowed her eyes at him. It only looked like a feather duster, the feathers of Pi'aPi'a bird turn into deadly poisoned spikes on contact with anything alive, causing a painful and almost instant death. She'd used for 57 of the 105 murders the Twins had committed, so far.

There was a bottle of Scotch on a high far pedestal.

"FIGHT!" Announced the disembodied voice of the Master. "Whoever kills the other two gets the Scotch and his freedom."

For two of the contestants, the bit about freedom was moot point. Fight music from Star Trek was piped in, sadly everyone in the arena knew it. The Zheng twins had to endure The Master's fondness for odd clips of Star Trek in exchange for their freedom. It started well enough, everyone made a rush for it. But then when the actual hitting and came down to it. Despite the onset of tremens delirium, Withnail's cowardice was stronger, he was running and screaming from any one who came within 12 feet of him, he'd dropped the sword and was now quaking under the pedestal, crying. Gob really had no idea what do with a real spear, and was hoping Bernard would tire out, he was flinching at anyone who came near him. Bernard was the only one who seemed to be fighting, the Mace was far heavier then he'd thought, but he was chasing after the other two Mace dragging on the ground. Gob was doing a chicken dance everytime he stopped, then running away when he'd start chasing him again.

"Fucking bloody MACE! I'll kill the LOT of you!"

"Pleasepleaseohpleasedon'tkillme!"

"HA! You can't even lift that- FUCK!"

And the Master cackling over all of it. Then Bernard almost got Withnail, swung the Mace, and the pesdestal shook, and the bottle of Scotch fell down. They scrabbled for it.

Withnail bit Bernard on the hand and kicked Gob in the face. He grabbed the Scotch unscrewed the top and opened it, preparing for a swig.

"WE'VE BEEN SWINDLED! THIS FUCKER'S EMPTY!" Withnail exclaimed, turning the bottle of Scotch over to show there was nothing in it.

The Master was still laughing, high above them.

"Arsehole it's one thing to kidnap us, and make us fight to the death for booze. But when there is no booze, that's a-" Bernard began.

"Ow, my face. What the fuck, a minute a ago you were scared of your shadow!" Gob said glaring at Withnail.

And the Master was still laughing... and then they heard the sound of annoying high pitched music and high above. "Hmmm? Oh, sorry. I was watching this thing called Nyancat, it's brilliant! Didn't know you guys were still alive. Oh I might as well send the Zheng twins to finish you off, then feed your bodies to the Glurtch."

"What's the Glurtch?" Asked Bernard.

"Something that smells almost as bad as you," Said the Master. "But you won't mind you'll be dead by then. Well you'll hope you will, the Glurtch likes to play with it's food."

"Oh Come on!" Said Gob. "I know this is all set up for me to have a escape attempt but this taking a bit to far, you know when Michael finds out-"

"He doesn't know," Said the Master. "He will think you ran off to be a great Magician in China with your newest tart, who will look a lot like Mia Zheng."

"That's another thing, Manny knows I don't go further then the pub or off license on the corner." Bernard said.

"The note I left about that new girl you love will take care of that," said the Master. "You're handwriting is easy to forge. Oh and the Girl, she'll look like Mia Zheng."

"You'll have trouble explaining to my nearest and dearest what's happened to me. And my family..." Withnail began.

"They don't give a flying fuck about you. Also your flatmate? He thinks you went off because your family paid you loads to be figurehead of business of theirs in Hong Kong, I left a very convincing letter." Said The Master.

"I will have fallen in love with some slant eyed slag? Because-" Began Withnail.

"No, Marwood last saw you chatting with her brother Harold Zheng. He knows exactly what you like," said The Master.

"HOW DARE YOU I'M NOT-" Started Withnail, puffing up his toast rack chest.

"Alright, I'm killing all of you now. Feeding all three of you Glurtch," said the Master. "I'll put on some Lady Gaga to drown out your screams."

"No wait!" said Gob. "You said all of are bastards, right? Well, can't you use that? I mean from what you've said your efforts at world conquest have failed. Have you used bastard before?"

There was pause as if The Master was considering. "Well apart from the Zheng twins who would murder me in my sleep if didn't fit them with the anti-kill me collars. And some very shifty alien races who've all turned on me. Oh and lots of 'good' gullible people I've had to hypnotize and then kill. No."

"We could help you," said Withnail smoothly with a smile or as smoothly as someone who was now seeing tiny winged green men in bowlers buzzing around his head.

"I'm a pure 100% bastard," added Bernard with grin that looked stupid.

"Hmmm, well why not! Gentleman, let's do business!" said The Master. "If doesn't work out, I can kill you anyways."

There was whirring sound, and a door opened in the arena's wall. Out stepped a man, he had squinty eyes and receding blond hair that looked dyed. He smiled like a ferret that just ate the pet hamster you'd thought it would play with. He was wearing a black turtle neck and slacks.

"You're The Master?" said Gob.

"Yes," said the Master and released a dove from his left sleeve and then promptly incinerated it by with a fireball from his right sleeve.

"How'd you do that trick?" asked Gob.

"I'll tell you if you survive," said the Master. "Now to celebrate let's get utterly and completely wasted! I know just the place!"

And they cheered and walked out of the arena.

"...Does anyone else hear drums?" Withnail mumbled, as he shakily stumbled out the arena.

"OW! OW! OW!" Yelled the Doctor again jumping around, and spilling the tea he'd been drinking all over his lap as he jumped up and threw off the Bi-corn hat he'd been wearing (they were cool that day).

"Oh no," River sighed. "Where are they?"

"I can feel the Master," The Doctor sighed. "He has some real ... bad men... working for him... I don't where they are!"

"He must be in one those new type 90 mark 2 TARDISes," River said. "They are untraceable."

"What?" The Doctor exclaimed. "Those don't exist... they aren't supposed to.."

"Sweetie, spoilers," River said.

"NO! NO Spoilers! Tell me!" The Doctor said.

"It would just make your head hurt worse," River sighed.


End file.
